Why did I win the fertility lottery?
There are things in life that are not fair, I know that. Fertility seems to be one of those things. It was extremely easy for my husband and I to conceive Alexis. We decided to start trying and boom! pregnant first month. I never had to experience the let down of negative tests, the month after month of disappointment. I had the usual nerves during my first trimester but everything was fine. I don’t know the heartbreak of losing a pregnancy. I don’t know what it feels like to have to “un-tell”. I am grateful and lucky. My daughter is perfect and beautiful.
However, many of the closest people to me have a different experience. At least 5 of my friends had to see fertility specialists in order to conceive and some still have not been able to. Countless others have lost pregnancies. There is no reason for this and it’s not fair. Why did I win the fertility lottery while they struggle? I feel guilty around them because I don’t know how I would feel if i were in their shoes. I don’t know if I would be able to be genuinely happy for my friend who so easily has something that I have wanted and can’t have. They are all strong women and deserving of motherhood. I only wish it were as easy for them as it was for me.
I know there are no answers to this and I know that they would not wish their struggles on me. I guess it just gives me something else to be grateful for and that I should count my blessings because things could always be different.
How can I have another baby?
Ok, no I am not pregnant b/c I’m sure that’s what people will think when they see the title.
Ok, now that we have that squared away. I don’t mean physically have another baby. My pregnancy was relatively smooth and my delivery was quick and easy(ish). What I mean is how can I have another baby when I already have a baby? I know I know…huh? Before I had a baby I always thought that I wanted “kids”. Kids were an abstract term, I didn’t really have a frame of reference. There was no attachment. Now that I have a kid, I can put a name and a face and emotions with that term. At least when it comes to one baby. Now, when I think of having another baby, it’s in the same abstract way that I once thought of any babies? Following along? So, there is no attachment or connection to my as-yet-conceived second child. Although there is to my first born. So, I almost feel resentment or guilt at taking away from her. I feel that I would be dividing my attention, and it doesn’t feel fair to me. She is so important to me and I want to do everything I can for her, so bringing a younger sibling into her life, when she never asked for it just seems like I’m cheating her. I know of course (again abstractly) that I would love this second child as much as I love Alexis and I also know that she would love her little brother or sister. But for right now, I just can’t imagine it. Maybe part of that comes from the fact that I’m an only child and I really enjoyed being an only child!
I am a big chicken
I think having a baby has helped me a bit with my fear of pain, but still it’s there. So tomorrow is surgery day and I am not looking forward to it. Logically I tell myself, I went through 9 months of a not-so easy pregnancy with trips to and from the hospital and IVs once a week or so. Then there was the induction and pitocin and an epidural and the 1 hour+ of pushing! But then I say in the back of my head, but it was only 5 hours from pitocin until Alexis was born, I got off easy! So, I am essentially freaking myself out over something that it supposed to be a short procedure with a mild anesthetic and hopefully nothing mroe than period-like cramping afterward!!!! I just can’t wait until it’s over and behind me!!!!!!
Me :)
I’ll keep it short and start with pregnancy.
Another topic I will be discussing frequently is weight loss. I was at my ideal weight when I got married. 1 year later I had gained about 12 pounds 😦 I had wanted to lost those 12 pounds before I got pregnant but that never happened. I gained about 35 pounds during the pregnancy, which is not terrible. The weeks after I had the baby I lost 15 pounds – just from baby, etc. So that left me about 32 pounds away from where I wanted to be – back at my ideal weight. Eek. I knew I needed help, so I turned to Jenny Craig. Best thing I ever did. The food is awesome!! It’s super easy to do. I am now 4 months pp and I’m 10 pounds away from my goal weight – yay!! I’m not always perfect and I have my slip-ups but for the most part I follow the plan and I get out and walk with alexis about 4 times a week – she likes being out in the fresh air and I get some exercise!
Me the day after I came home from the hospital Father’s Day (in a bathing suit!!)
Now that I have that taken care of – it seems that I have some lingering bleeding going on for which my Dr is scratching his head. After over 2 months of tinkering with birth control pills and going back and forth, I am finally going to have surgery. Ick. July 9th. Next week. A “mild general anesthetic” is what my Dr says. Then they will go in and take a look and see if they can find a cause and solution for the bleeding. I am not looking forward to it, but I guess that’s the way it has to be. Sucks. I am definitely not having another baby for a while!!
I just celebrated my 2 year wedding anniversary. We went to the Melting Pot – not exactly the same as our 1 yr anniversary which we marked with a 2 week trip to Alaska, but we can’t really go away for 2 weeks with a 3 month old (at the time) baby. It was nice. The last few months have been rough, but I suppose that’s normal since our lives have been turned upside down with the birth of the baby. Becoming parents has been wonderful and stressful. I think we are finally settling into a routine and we’re getting along better.
Not much else to say about me. I’m going to be staying at home for the foreseeable future. Hopefully I will go to graduate school next year and get a master’s degree and teach high school one day.
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